Myth #1 “Self-confidence” — why it doesn’t matter for your negotiation success and turnover
[Translated from German]
A slightly different take on the myth of self-confidence with surprising insight.
In short: how will you be becoming confident of a constantly changing holographic image, made up of frequency, sound, and vibration?
Here are the three most likely reasons why you might be interested in this alternative perspective on “self-confidence” in sales or negotiation — and why it’s not trained in my negotiation training for women:
Reason #1: You are one of the “followers” of the idea that we are on the jump to a new time (quality) or have already jumped, which is why anything “new” or “alternative” to the mainstream interests you.
Reason #2: You have been on a “war footing” with your “self-confidence” and “self-assurance” for as long as you can remember — especially when you find yourself in sales or negotiation situations.
Reason #3: It’s New Year’s Eve, and you’re desperately looking for a resolution or an idea to make your resolution of “more self-confidence” (in selling or negotiating) successful in 2023.
No matter what inspires you to read this article: You’ll be magnificently entertained!
Congratulate yourself on your lack of self-confidence — bang, reason #3 lapsed and New Year’s resolution is gone, pardon the pun, done.
What IS the “self”?
Is it some kind of jar? If so, is it defined by its external form and nature or by what is poured into that pitcher?
Who perceives this “jar”?
Does it exist when it is looked at? And what if it is not “looked at”?
Who are you?
At this moment?
Without referring to the past?
Who are you right now?
No matter if jar, it’s content, or “man”, you exist only through a reference made in the past.
But when does selling or negotiating to take place? In the here and now.
How purposeful, then, is your emotional attachment to a jar and its nature as well as its “story” about it resulting from the past?
Correct.
Zero!
Exactly this emotional attachment to a story, which is not even yours alone, but in which you have also incorporated many views of others, is what stands in your way for successful negotiating and selling.
This also applies to your emotional attachment and your story about your (lack of) self-confidence.
Who would you be without that story?
How relevant is it whether an FBI hostage negotiator is “self-aware” or not?
A hostage taker is as far from self-awareness as Neptune is from the Sun. So what would be the implication if the FBI agent tasked with securing the release of hostages unharmed from the hands of a sociopath or psychopath was brimming with self-awareness?
Wait, so if hostage takers have virtually NO self-confidence but rather sociopathic or psychopathic traits, what does that mean, conversely, for you with your “lack of” self-awareness, or for the FBI agent?
a) We are all somehow “pathogenic” or “-pathic”?
b) Self-awareness doesn’t matter to do the wildest, most “powerful” things, like kidnap people and extort ransom or get hostages free from kidnappers without using force, without a cent of a ransom having been paid!
What is in the word “pathogenic” or “-pathic”? The Greek word for pathos is something that in our culture is best described as “passion”.
So what if you don’t have too little self-confidence at all, but too much “pathos”? After all, the Greeks assumed that “dis-ease”, i.e. “illness,” is caused by evil spirits or angry gods. Today we would say “mindfuck” because where do these spirits or angry gods reside? Right, in our mind!
The stupid thing is that they can’t be actively removed. They even “grow” the more you deal with them. That’s why my negotiation training for women, according to the Golden Elephant Method, includes “special effects” that pull the plug on evil spirits and angry gods. Quickly, effectively, once and for all.
So what is the defining personality trait of the FBI agent if not “self-confidence”?
“Ease. Serenity. Inner calm.
“Space” to engage one hundred percent with the other person so that he doesn’t miss any “sign” from the other person, whom he doesn’t even see (!!!) (or ever heard of hostage-takers who now also hold zooms and FBI agents who give PowerPoint presentations?) — and to react adequately to that sign.
Kind of like being a pilot in the cockpit of an A380, with many passengers and crew on board and thousands of buttons in front of you.
Do you need the self-confidence to be able to operate these buttons?
Nope, knowledge and training are enough.
Negotiating is no different.
It doesn’t matter if you’re negotiating for release (funny that they don’t talk about “selling”?) or for your salary or for a business partnership, or for a settlement in the context of compensation, or for the exchange of goods for money.
It’s all about navigating the bird safely to its destination from takeoff to landing by pressing the right buttons and pulling or pushing levers at the right time, depending on which signal lamp is lit — inside the cockpit or outside, e.g., on the runway or landing strip.
Admittedly, you feel safer with each successful passage.
But the next flight requires the same attention as if it were your first. Because it could be completely different and require completely different actions from you than all the flights before, see the captain who landed the plane unharmed on the Hudson River.
You do not suffer from lacking self-confidence, but of too much “war in the brain” and too few training flights (in the simulator) — reason #2 to read this article is also done!
You can never become “conscious” of something that does not exist and is permanently in change (or should be changing!!!), namely your story about yourself and your emotional attachment to it (=your identity). That, what and who you can be everything, is always more and bigger than that, what you (or others at you) have already looked at, collected, and reported.
Yes, it is quite possible that even pilot trainees shake their knees at the beginning when they get into the simulator for their first hours. And yes, it’s “just” a simulator. It’s also possible that their nerves flutter during a practice session when they head for a runway that looks shorter than a guest towel from above. But they train, train, train.
Every conversation you have, even outside my negotiation training, is just a simulation!
So have as many conversations as possible to train your learning muscle.
According to brain researchers, this is not only fun but downright “high”, because it stimulates the nucleus accumbens as if you were taking a cocktail of heroin and cocaine!
Finally, I’m glad you felt entertained, even if reason #1 was your motivation to read this article.
